Long-awaited "White History Month" announced to overwhelming support
In a long anticipated move, officials have decreed the month of May to be “White History Month” to celebrate over 500 years of racial authority.
The month celebrates leaders of white history, such as Jefferson Davis, Eminem, Dick Cheney, and Michael Jackson.
Citizens have flocked to the streets in the unofficial celebratory uniform of long white robes and a hood with eyeholes, as well as bumper stickers with the slogan “1/2”, signifying the fact that white people are half as likely to be in poverty as Latino and African-Americans.
Organizers say the holiday comes as a response to recent claims that, in modern times, the white population has felt oppressed due to the ubiquity of rap music, Indian food and Japanese cars.
“It’s about time we got our own month. The blacks have had one for decades,” said Randy McRanderson, a resident of South Carolina who allegedly has “at least two black friends”.
“We’re always celebrating other cultures and it’s about time we celebrated ours.”
Mr McRanderson, like many other holiday celebrators, believes the fact that white people are almost twice as likely to have a college degree as black people of the same age and almost six times less likely to be arrested are a testament to the integrity of their character.
“The statistics speak for themselves,” he said. “We can’t help superior genetics”.
White History Month is dedicated to the many triumphs of white history, including the unapologetic takeover of countless other nations and the industrious progress of slavery.
Proposed White History Month activities include walking safely through streets at night, applying for any job they please, earning on average twice as much as black people, and water polo.
Advocates for WHM, or #whitepower, say that without them, there would be no history to celebrate, and black people now have more influence than ever before.
“What’s more equal than letting them be president?” questions Mr Clive Hanson, a generic old white politician, who further argues that the recent increase of black Americans elected in the House of Representatives to a record high 9.4% of total members is obvious proof of diversity.
Critics of WHM have been quoted as saying that “every month that isn’t Black History Month is White History Month”, to which Mr Hanson disagrees.
“You can’t blame us for our ancestors winning wars and leaving us society,” he said.
“If black people wanted to leave a legacy, maybe they should have written more history books.”
Rumors speculate that officials are now talking about renaming every Sunday to “Old White Men’s Day”.